"But isn't the highest honing of compassion that which is hospitable to victim and victimizer both?" Gregory Boyle, TATTOOS ON THE HEART
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT ...
"Tirate!" Our mother screamed as she fell to the floor in the hallway.
I watched as she went down. Bad as I wanted to sit up in bed, I resisted. The little voice that often whispered in my ear, said, "Don't get up."
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT ...
Were those fireworks going off, or rocks bouncing off our home? Whatever they were, several hit the window above my head.
"Blanca!" My father called out to my mother from the living room.
THUMP.
I turned to check on my sisters. One was still in bed, white powder all over her dark hair. The other one, the little one hid under hers.
My thoughts can't catch up. ¿QuĆ© pasa? What's happening, here?
The kitten poster hung only minutes earlier by our father, while my sisters and I jumped on our beds, now, looked as though it had been punched through with a hammer.
Seems minutes. Maybe hours. The next thing I know, I'm peering out from under my bed at darkly-clad policemen cramped between our three single beds. The air fills with crackling radios that emit incoherent voices, as shiny black, leather shoes walk across the floor.
"The bullets went through the window, wall, the two garages, and into the neighbor's living room," one of the uniformed men, said.
"Another two went through the front of the house and ricocheted off this door-jamb." Another officer points to the door frame my mother had stood at when the first shots were fired.
My mind screams, "Where are my parents?"
I was in the 4th grade the night the two-bedroom, white stucco duplex we rented was sprayed with bullets. By the grace of God, my family, and those living in the two houses flanking ours, survived the drive-by that night.
That's how I remember events unfolding that night.
***
A couple of months ago, a friend I'd reconnected with on Facebook messaged me and said she had a book and some magazines she wanted to send me.
Source: Homebody Industries |
The magazines I loved. But the book? Why would I want to read non-fiction about gang members' lives? I had ZERO sympathy for them, but she didn't know that.
Although I'd worked alongside her for several years in Costa Mesa, CA, I'd never discussed my childhood growing up in the neighboring town of Santa Ana. As soon as I crossed the city limits into the surrounding towns, I disassociated myself from all the "bad" stuff that had touched my life, there.
So many negative things happened to us at the hands of gang members over the years that when I finally had the courage and opportunity to move away, I did, and never looked back. The jumpy little girl, hiding under her bed didn't exist anymore. I'd effectively buried the past.
That was fifteen years ago. I moved, married, worked for some great companies, started my own business, traveled, had a baby. I did all the things that normal people do. It wasn't until I began to write for "fun" in 2008 that everything I'd buried came to the surface.
Understandably I read TATTOOS ON THE HEART with one-foot-in and one-foot-out. Within pages it absorbed me with the stories of gang members Father Boyle met and tried to help through his non-profit organization Homeboy Industries.
Homeboy Industries assists at-risk and formerly gang-involved youth to become positive and contributing members of society through job placement, training and education.My hardened heart softened, as I experienced life through the eyes of the young men and women who didn't get to pick their circumstances, either. Many didn't have parents and those who did were either abused or neglected. Nobody had told them that they had other options, that they could make better choices. Resiliency held no meaning. Enter the lure of gang-life. The few who found their way out on their own? How many? Who knows? (Recommended: I Choose by Jen Marshall Duncan at Empathea)
TATTOOS ON THE HEART is a compilation of parable-like stories that each ends with an affirmation. As I read about the dangerous situations Father Boyle put himself into, I came to understand what it means to have boundless compassion. In spite of the despicable nature of these youths' acts, the indiscriminate killings, irrational thought, Father Boyle did not condemn them. Rather he guided them with kind words, tough-love and patience. He pushes forward knowing he'll save some, but lose many.
In the end, I'm glad I read it, because it gave me a level of clarity that I didn't have before. My loathing of what had caused much of the pain in my childhood had turned to empathy.
Homeboy Industries Soundtrack
"Close both eyes; see with the other one. Then, we are no longer saddled by the burden of our persistent judgments, our ceaseless withholding, our constant exclusion. Our sphere has widened, and we find ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a new, expansive location, in a place of endless acceptance and infinite love."
I am so moved by this post, Ezzy. I know it comes from deep inside of you and I thank you so much for sharing it. I am wiping away tears: for your fear and your triumph over it; for those homeboys and homegirls who sing "I love my life" after all that they've been through...
ReplyDeleteIt just amazes me...the power of the human spirit to overcome (if it chooses to.) Father Greg is so wonderful to see past those tough, gang-riddled exteriors into the hearts of the kids he works with. And they are so inspiring--overcoming so much! Having babies, getting jobs, learning their own worth and their own power!
I am halfway through Tattoos on the Heart and it is a very powerful book. I will have to tell you more about my feelings sometime soon when I can sort them out; the book is opening up some old wounds for me, too. I am glad to be dealing with them, though. As soon as I finish, the copy I am reading will head to Chicago (I'll just have to unfold all of the pages holding my favorite quotes!) Thank you so much for sharing, Ezzy. This is my favorite blog post ever. xoxox
Thank you for your kinds words, Jen. Feeling like this is the first post I should've written when I started this blog, but I wasn't there, yet. You never know what a little writing and reflection will bring to the surface. It's been a trip. I regret none of it.
ReplyDeleteMy friends on the beach who knew what I read frowned when I burst out laughing several times. One said, "That doesn't seem like funny material." I had a hard time explaining. I felt like saying, "You kind of had to be there."
I'm glad you have a destination for the book! My copy ended up getting knocked off my chair and into the water! It dried nicely, though. ; )
Amiga, this is simply awesome. You're such an awesome person to see beyond your own stories to the stories of others. <3 I'm so sorry for the fear you felt and that uncertainty about not knowing where your parents were. Such a terrible thing for any kid to feel. You're so brave for sharing your story hear and for opening your heart to this organization that helps former gang members. You're blessed to have such a big heart. I have heard of this organization and book before, but I have yet to read it...you've definitely inspired me to pick it up! Jen's post really hit home with me too...she is another amazing woman who is helping others and growing through her compassion for others. Absolutely love both of you ladies...you are amazing! <3
ReplyDeleteChantilly, I feel lucky to have connected with you, both. You've been mi rayo de sol en la oscuridad, mi amiga. More than you know. I recommend the book. I know it will open your eyes and heart like it did mine. Thank you for all your support. Un abrazo.
ReplyDeleteThank you both, too! I feel so lucky to have you both. You inspire me and help me each day.
ReplyDeleteEzzy, I'm glad this post finally came out of you. It was definitely worth the wait! No regrets, ever.
Chantilly, if you email me your address I will send you the book when I am done. My sister requested to be the next recipient, but she only wants to read it because she thinks it will impress her new boss...I think you will get a lot more out of it...
I am so proud to call you a blogger friend. Lovely amiga.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this story E. I would have never imagined you survived so much madness at such a young age.
ReplyDeleteI'm so impressed by this post and find it inspiring to see you spreading peace and knowledge.
Glad 2Know u. :)
Ezzy,
ReplyDeleteWow, what a heartfelt awesome eye opening post amiga. At first, I thought you were quoting lines from a book and my heart sank when I found out you were talking about your own experience!
You are amazing! Just like someone said above... to be able to look beyond your own pain and experience and be able to see the other side of things (they said it alot better than I...) that takes courage, openess, and love.
I definitely want to read this book now. I have heard of father Boyle before but never took the time to really investigate what he was all about.
Thank you for being so open with your readers.
You truley are amazing!
Adriana, I feel the same about finding you. <3
ReplyDeleteLetty, thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to me. Un abrazo.
Tara, thank you. Definitely read it. I can send you my copy, just be forewarned, it's loaded with my scribblings and pencil markings. :D
I actually arranged a tour at Homeboy Industries and Denise (Pearmama) came to check it out with me, very interesting program and love the food at Homegirl Cafe! If you ever come out for a visit, put it on your list!
ReplyDelete